Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Updated 4 June
They say:

"I'm the customer, remember?"

We want to say:

"Thanks for that, I was in danger of forgetting."

They say:

"Listen, I'm friends with one of your managers."

We want to say:

"What a co-incidence, I'm friends with all of our managers."

They say:

"I shouldn't have to tell you this. You should have it all on record."

We want to say:

"I'm sending ninjas with spears to beat the stupid out of you."

They say:

"Please reverse my charges, I'm in a wheelchair."

We want to say:

"Presumably you were already in a wheelchair six weeks ago when you registered the account. Were you expecting a miracle cure before the bill arrived?"

They say:

"It was working yesterday."

We want to say:

"Then hop in your time machine and use it yesterday."

They say:

"I'm very new at this."

We want to say:

"Thank god, I'd hate to think an experienced user could be this useless."

They say:

"That's not good enough."

We want to say:

"I agree, you deserve a kick in the crotch as well."

They say:

"I paid a lot of money for this."

We want to say:

We want to say: "I'd probably care if you paid some of it to me."

They say:

"If you don't fix this, I'll go to another company."

We want to say:

"If you can't figure out how to change your password, how are you going to change your provider?"

They say:

"I realise you're a big company and you don't care about your customers..."

We want to say:

"You've got us all wrong, number 432981."

They say:

"Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?"

We want to say:

"Not long enough to kill your cellphone battery, dammit."

They say:

"It's your problem, you sort it out."

We want to say:

"You'd be surprised at the amount of inconvenience to others I'm willing to live with."

They say:

"I don't think much of the customer service I'm getting."

We want to say:

"I don't think much of the customer who's getting it."

They say:

"Can't you do it for me?"

We want to say:

"Much as I hate depriving myself of the pleasure of taking your call tomorrow morning when you need it done again and haven't learned how to do it yourself... no."

They say:

"In my day, we made reliable machines."

We want to say:

"You didn't send much email with them though, did you?"

They say:

"Look, I'm telling you it is legal."

We want to say:

"You can tell me day is night if you like, but it's still day."

They say:

"It's people like me paying your wages."

We want to say:

"Then before we talk about your email, let's talk about my raise."

They say:

"Uh... how do I, uh... clear the history bar?"

We want to say:

"You can't. Try explaining that to your mother, kiddo."

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