Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

Updated 4 June

They say: "I'm the customer, remember?" We want to say: "Thanks for that, I was in danger of forgetting."

They say: "Listen, I'm friends with one of your managers." We want to say: "What a co-incidence, I'm friends with all of our managers."

They say: "I shouldn't have to tell you this. You should have it all on record." We want to say: "I'm sending ninjas with spears to beat the stupid out of you."

They say: "Please reverse my charges, I'm in a wheelchair." We want to say: "Presumably you were already in a wheelchair six weeks ago when you registered the account. Were you expecting a miracle cure before the bill arrived?"

They say: "It was working yesterday." We want to say: "Then hop in your time machine and use it yesterday."

They say: "I'm very new at this." We want to say: "Thank god, I'd hate to think an experienced user could be this useless."

They say: "That's not good enough." We want to say: "I agree, you deserve a kick in the crotch as well."

They say: "I paid a lot of money for this." We want to say: We want to say: "I'd probably care if you paid some of it to me."

They say: "If you don't fix this, I'll go to another company." We want to say: "If you can't figure out how to change your password, how are you going to change your provider?"

They say: "I realise you're a big company and you don't care about your customers..." We want to say: "You've got us all wrong, number 432981."

They say: "Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?" We want to say: "Not long enough to kill your cellphone battery, dammit."

They say: "It's your problem, you sort it out." We want to say: "You'd be surprised at the amount of inconvenience to others I'm willing to live with."

They say: "I don't think much of the customer service I'm getting." We want to say: "I don't think much of the customer who's getting it."

They say: "Can't you do it for me?" We want to say: "Much as I hate depriving myself of the pleasure of taking your call tomorrow morning when you need it done again and haven't learned how to do it yourself... no."

They say: "In my day, we made reliable machines." We want to say: "You didn't send much email with them though, did you?"

They say: "Look, I'm telling you it is legal." We want to say: "You can tell me day is night if you like, but it's still day."

They say: "It's people like me paying your wages." We want to say: "Then before we talk about your email, let's talk about my raise."

They say: "Uh... how do I, uh... clear the history bar?" We want to say: "You can't. Try explaining that to your mother, kiddo."

back to main