Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

They say:

"I'm new to computing."

They mean:

"I bought a computer knowing nothing about it and assumed it would magically run itself. It didn't."

They say:

"I'm not very au fait with computers."

They mean:

"I'm not new to computing anymore, but it's still not running itself."

They say:

"I'm not very computer literate."

They mean:

"I didn't realise you were going to ask me questions. Are you really allowed to do that?"

They say:

"Are you calling me a liar?"

They mean:

"There's a fresh corpse and a smoking gun with my fingerprints on it, but I dare you to say so."

They say:

"Of course I looked in the manual."

They mean:

"I haven't touched the manual since I bought the computer, and even then I was only using it as a beer coaster."

They say:

"It was fine yesterday."

They mean:

"Last night I got stoned and tried reading a frozen mini-pizza in the CD-ROM."

They say:

"I haven't changed anything."

They mean:

"Installing a program I downloaded from a Ukrainian website promising me free porn isn't THAT much of a change."

They say:

"I've already checked the cables."

They mean:

"They're still there. That's all I care about."

They say:

"I'm getting a lot of filthy email I never signed up for."

They mean:

"Please help me hide the evidence before my spouse gets home!"

They say:

"I've had it looked at by a technician."

They mean:

"I've had it looked at by an unemployed 18 year-old I barely know who smokes dope with my son. He owns a gameboy, so he should be able to figure it out."

They say:

"Your software caused the problem."

They mean:

"If I could speak Russian, I would have contacted the Ukrainians already."

They say:

"I had to wait half an hour to get through to you!"

They mean:

"I dialed six different departments at random before listening to the recorded message telling me how to get to technical support!"

They say:

"I pay your wages, you know."

They mean:

"Simple arithmetic is beyond my ability, so I genuinely believe the miniscule amount of online time I'm paying for covers the amount of time I've spent on the phone to technical support."

They say:

"Listen, I'm a [doctor/lawyer/banker/executive/whatever]."

They mean:

"The fact that I have been educated at length and great cost in a completely unrelated field makes me an authority on whatever it is we're talking about."

They say:

"Can't you see it from there?"

They mean:

"If I whine at you long enough, you'll become psychic."

They say:

"You people keep saying computers are so easy to use, then this happens!"

They mean:

"Okay, so I can't program my VCR or set my digital watch either. Things were supposed to be different this time!"

They say:

"I wasn't supposed to be charged a connection fee."

They mean:

"I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say:

"I definitely signed up for the flat rate account."

They mean:

"I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say:

"This charge isn't the same as your advertised rate."

They mean:

"I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say:

"The history list is getting too long."

They mean:

"I've been visiting www.hotwetsluts.com and I don't want my mother to know."

They say:

"I don't have time to deal with this now. I'll call back later."

They mean:

"I want to speak to a technician who doesn't know what a fool I've made of myself already."

They say:

"I am right-clicking!"

They mean:

"Left click, right click, can there really be a difference?"

They say:

"What on Earth are all these charges you're billing to my credit card?"

They mean:

"www.hotwetsluts.com said they only wanted my credit card details to prove I'm over 18!"

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