Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

They say: "I'm new to computing." They mean: "I bought a computer knowing nothing about it and assumed it would magically run itself. It didn't."

They say: "I'm not very au fait with computers." They mean: "I'm not new to computing anymore, but it's still not running itself."

They say: "I'm not very computer literate." They mean: "I didn't realise you were going to ask me questions. Are you really allowed to do that?"

They say: "Are you calling me a liar?" They mean: "There's a fresh corpse and a smoking gun with my fingerprints on it, but I dare you to say so."

They say: "Of course I looked in the manual." They mean: "I haven't touched the manual since I bought the computer, and even then I was only using it as a beer coaster."

They say: "It was fine yesterday." They mean: "Last night I got stoned and tried reading a frozen mini-pizza in the CD-ROM."

They say: "I haven't changed anything." They mean: "Installing a program I downloaded from a Ukrainian website promising me free porn isn't THAT much of a change."

They say: "I've already checked the cables." They mean: "They're still there. That's all I care about."

They say: "I'm getting a lot of filthy email I never signed up for." They mean: "Please help me hide the evidence before my spouse gets home!"

They say: "I've had it looked at by a technician." They mean: "I've had it looked at by an unemployed 18 year-old I barely know who smokes dope with my son. He owns a gameboy, so he should be able to figure it out."

They say: "Your software caused the problem." They mean: "If I could speak Russian, I would have contacted the Ukrainians already."

They say: "I had to wait half an hour to get through to you!" They mean: "I dialed six different departments at random before listening to the recorded message telling me how to get to technical support!"

They say: "I pay your wages, you know." They mean: "Simple arithmetic is beyond my ability, so I genuinely believe the miniscule amount of online time I'm paying for covers the amount of time I've spent on the phone to technical support."

They say: "Listen, I'm a [doctor/lawyer/banker/executive/whatever]." They mean: "The fact that I have been educated at length and great cost in a completely unrelated field makes me an authority on whatever it is we're talking about."

They say: "Can't you see it from there?" They mean: "If I whine at you long enough, you'll become psychic."

They say: "You people keep saying computers are so easy to use, then this happens!" They mean: "Okay, so I can't program my VCR or set my digital watch either. Things were supposed to be different this time!"

They say: "I wasn't supposed to be charged a connection fee." They mean: "I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say: "I definitely signed up for the flat rate account." They mean: "I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say: "This charge isn't the same as your advertised rate." They mean: "I didn't read the instructions on the screen."

They say: "The history list is getting too long." They mean: "I've been visiting www.hotwetsluts.com and I don't want my mother to know."

They say: "I don't have time to deal with this now. I'll call back later." They mean: "I want to speak to a technician who doesn't know what a fool I've made of myself already."

They say: "I am right-clicking!" They mean: "Left click, right click, can there really be a difference?"

They say: "What on Earth are all these charges you're billing to my credit card?" They mean: "www.hotwetsluts.com said they only wanted my credit card details to prove I'm over 18!"

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