Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

 

One question a tech support agent has to learn to ask without causing offense is 'is there a teenager available?'

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 19/11/03 12:18 chrisk ticket_open * beverly calling / win98 / lucent winmodem * customer called a few days ago re disconnections and was given an init string to try - now customer is no longer getting disconnected, but is also getting disconnected * beverly agrees with me that this doesn't make sense, but can't explain it any better than that - will have her nephew call later on her behalf / closed pending customer input

Size counts ----------- Customer: "I'm trying to download a little email with an attachment, and it won't come in." Operator: "How big is that attachment?" Customer: "Just a little one. It won't take up more than a quarter of my hard drive."

Hello, who am I? ---------------- Operator: "I'll just need to look your account up in our database here. What's your email address?" Customer: "It's the same as my name." Operator: "How is that spelled?" Customer: "Uh..." Operator: "Sorry, how is that spelled?" Customer: "Hold on, give me a minute..."

Why not check the label your mother sewed on your shirt for you?

Not quite that simple --------------------- Customer: "I just got a new computer, and I need to set it up to use my internet connection." Operator: "Okay. You'll need to click into the start menu --" Customer: "Oh, is that all it takes?"

I've got your Christmas spirit right here.

And now a message from our sponsor ---------------------------------- If you're one of those delinquents who talks a grandparent into buying a computer, assuring them the whole time that it's easy to go online, then spend your Christmas visit going halfway through the process of setting them up with an internet account before getting bored and going home, I will personally arrange for all future Christmas gifts you receive to be socks.

Think about it -------------- Customer: "We're sharing an internet connection across several computers which are networked together with a, you know, network cable. And what we've found is that with two or more people using the internet at the same time, it takes longer for webpages to come up." Operator: "Mmm-hmm." Customer: "So what details do you need from us in order to fix it?"

Listen when I talk ------------------ Operator: "Now, I'd like to delete that connection icon." Customer: "Okay, it's open. Now what?" Operator: "No, I'd like you to delete it. You'll need to click the cancel button and then delete that icon." Customer: "Okay, I've closed down Control Panel. What's next?" Operator: "Are you actually listening to me?" Customer: "What do you mean? I've done everything you said."

Simon says sell your PC and use the money to buy a Playstation.

Deja vu all over again ---------------------- Operator: "Which version of Windows are you running?" Customer: "I'm a bit hopeless at this, so I'll pass you over to my son. He's a computer expert." Customer 2: "Hi." Operator: "Hi, this is [Operator]. Which version of Windows are you running?" Customer 2: "I think it's the Microsoft one."

Can I put you on hold while I weep bitter tears of hopelessness and despair?

Blood from a stone ------------------ Customer: "Hi, I'm a new customer of yours, and I'm having a problem." Operator: "Okay, what kind of problem?" Customer: "I'm having a problem with my internet account." Operator: "What kind of problem?" Customer: "Can't you just fix it?"

Think about it -------------- Customer: "I've just deleted all my email settings. Will that stop me from receiving email through you people?"

In one ear, out the other ------------------------- Operator: "The outgoing email server name is 'S - M - T - P.[RIP].com'." Customer: "Okay, I've put that in -- hmm, it's still not working." Operator: "Can you quote that server name back to me?" Customer: "It's 'S - A - L - T@[RIP].com', just like you said."

I distinctly remember not saying that. Time to get your hearing tested.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I can't connect on my new computer. I go into Outlook Express and it tells me I can't connect because there's no connection available." Operator: "Has that computer been set up for your internet account?" Customer: "It doesn't need to, it's already got a modem."

Three things you don't ask family members to do: donate sperm, drive you to the VD clinic, or give you tech support.

All in the family ----------------- Customer: "I'm having trouble with my email, and I've had my computer checked by a technician, and he told me it's because you're re-formatting email as it passes through your mail server. Why are you doing that?" Operator: "Re-formatting email? Uh, this technician -- did he mention what his qualifications are?" Customer: "Now don't you try and say my brother doesn't know what he's doing. He makes a living servicing computers for an accountancy firm, you know."

For the millionth time, exaggeration ------------------------------------ Customer: "I've been trying since the start of the week to get my email and I'm just sick of it!" Operator: "The start of the week?" Customer: "Yes!" Operator: "You mean... two hours ago?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I'm running one of your installation CDs now. It says 'to continue setting up your PC for a [RIP] internet connection, click next'. Should I click next?" Operator: "Yes." Customer: "Now it says 'the process will begin by installing the Acrobat Reader software you need to view user documentation'. Should I click next?" Operator: "Yes." Customer: "Now it says 'Acrobat Reader has been installed, click next to view user documentation'. Should I click next?" Operator: "That's right. It sounds like you're off to a good start, I'll just leave you to continue with that." Customer: "But how will I know what to do?"

Every so often, a customer will ask a question that reveals a world-view as alien to mine as that of a pine tree.

Think about it -------------- Customer: "Ever since I started using this new computer the internet has been as slow as hell. Is there something wrong with your server?"

As it turned out, this really was his account, and he really did need a couple of tries to spell his name properly. Which is another good reason not to let him on the internet.

Security risk ------------- Operator: "I'm sorry, I won't be able to give you the password for that account." Customer: "Why the hell not? It's my bloody account!" Operator: "The email address is the same as your name, correct?" Customer: "That's right." Operator: "Then why can't you spell it to me?"

Warning sign ------------ Customer: "Could you shout? It's just that I don't know how to turn up the volume on this cellphone." Operator: "On second thought, I think you'd better take this PC to a technician to re-install those networking protocols."

Simple when you think about it ------------------------------ Customer: "I can't read this screen with the bloody mouse wandering all over it. Can you do something about it?" Operator: "Try taking your hand off it." Customer: "Ah, that did the trick."

"Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that."

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 14/10/03 16:21 chrisk ticket_open * william calling / win98 / lucent winmodem * connection dropping after a few minutes online * tried to add init string to stabilise connection, but customer cannot spell 'M' - advised to have someone else call on his behalf / closed pending customer input

Why no, the thought that he might be prone to exaggerate never crossed our minds...

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 12/08/03 11:29 jasonl ticket_open * lawrence calling / win2k / intel ham modem * unable to browse secure sites * cypher strength 128 bit / accepting all cookies / signed activex components turned on * advised to reinstall ie5 * customer says he has called for troubleshoot this problem with us 5 dozen times already - that means hes talked to every1 in the call centre except me at least 2 times but i see none of you bothered to make any case notes or log a ticket. thats just shocking guys ;-) / closed pending customer input 14/08/03 11:53 markj update * lawrence calling * Larry says he's called us 5 dozen times. Shouldn't that be 5 dozen and one? I think the poor guy has had a bump on the head which gave him amnesia and made him forget all about talking to J, because he hasn't reinstalled Internet Explorer, either. Advised him to do it. / closed pending customer input 15/08/03 11:14 chrisk update * larry calling * caller has now spoken to us only *4* dozen times. i see what the problem is -- he's time travelling! this is an earlier version of larry visiting his future to see if we've resolved the problem. i bet it's playing havoc with his time&date settings * advised him to check his system clock (AND reinstall ie5, since larry of six weeks ago hasn't had a chance to do that yet) / closed pending customer input 21/08/03 11:19 markj update * Larry calling * Larry has now called us HUNDREDS of times, so this must be a future version visiting the past. I asked him what his picks are for this week's Lotto numbers, but apparently he doesn't gamble. * He's now having trouble viewing a Croatian news site. So am I, the site appears to be offline - advised him of this. / NFA 26/08/03 11:01 jasonl update * lawrence calling * caller worried about email viruses * whos the smartass who told him to watch out for daleks? thats not funny / NFA

Name dropper ------------ Customer: "Look, I've got a friend who's a big manager with your company, and I'm quite happy to give him a call and tell him how unco-operative you're being. Does that make you see things differently?" Operator: "Yes, it does." Customer: "Ah-ha!" Operator: "If there's going to be a manager reviewing my work, I'll need to follow procedure to the letter. So, I'll have to ask you to call us from the line you gave us as a contact number, with a copy of your account on hand, and the answer to your security question."

Everything the hard way ----------------------- Customer: "I'm calling because I need to know what progress you're making on sorting out my problem." Operator: "I can see in the notes from earlier that it looks like we've isolated the cause of the problem -- we've identified it as a hardware fault. One of our technicians has been dispatched to the site, so he should be there with you soon." Customer: "He's already here, but I need to know what the situation is now, not earlier." Operator: "He's there? Uh... what does he say about the current situation?" Customer: "I can't interrupt him while he's working."

That's a good policy, but what makes you think I know what the guy's doing right in front of you?

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