Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
 











Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!

(Sorry, got carried away there.)
For your own protection
-----------------------

Customer: "I want to change my pricing plan. I need more hours."

Operator: "Okay, if you'd like to quote me your password, I can change the plan for you in our database here."

Customer: "I can't give you my password. I've never given anyone my password."

Operator: "No? Okay, you can also change your pricing plan using the account utilities on our homepage."

Customer: "I already tried that. It wanted my password. It's secret, I can't give it to anyone."

Operator: "Do you understand how a password works? You need to enter it to identify yourself to the system when logging in or making changes to your account. It verifies that you're the authorised user."

Customer: "I don't believe it, I've never entered my password to go online."

Operator: "Your computer is probably set up to supply it automatically each time you connect."

Customer: "You're lying!"

 
 
Deja vu all over again
----------------------

Operator: "I'd like you to open up the control panel."

Customer: "What?"

Operator: "The control panel. Open the control panel."

Customer: "What? You'll have to speak up."

Operator: "YOU'LL NEED TO OPEN THE CONTROL PANEL."

Customer: "Look, this is no good, I can't hear well enough to follow you. I'll have to pass you over to my wife."

Customer 2: Hello."

Operator: "Hello, it's [Operator] here."

Customer 2: "Pardon?"

 
 
That was then, this is now
--------------------------

Customer: "Don't tell me to have my line tested, I've already had my line tested, and they told me it was fine!"

Operator: "Mr [Customer], it sounds like someone's frying eggs in the background. I don't see how the test could say the line is okay if it was done properly."

Customer: "Well, actually... that was the line at my last address."

Operator: "Unless you have plans to move back there in the near future, I think you'll want to have this line looked at as well."







It's so easy to mix up these little details like which city you're living in, isn't it?
 
It's all about trust
--------------------

Customer: "I've just had a friend of mine take my computer away to upgrade it, but since it came back, it seems to be running slower than ever, and when I go into the email program, it shows my friend's email for the last couple of years instead of mine. Can you tell me what's happened?"

Operator: "Uh..."

 




They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they didn't mean the global village.
Not that kind of service
------------------------

Customer: "Listen, I need to go into the next room, so I'll have to put my baby down for a minute. Can you talk to her through the phone?"

Operator: "No, absolutely not."

 
 
Don't feel left out
-------------------

Operator: "Can you give me the email address that goes with this account?"

Customer: "No, it's a business."

Operator: "Uh... companies can have email, too."

Customer: "Really?"

 
 
Unrealistic expectations
------------------------

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

04/12/03 09:23 chrisk ticket_open

* alex calling / winxp / lucent winmodem

* caller has tried everything to get connected this morning, but nothing worked

* advised caller to try paying his bill, that might work / NFA






The only mistake he made was thinking he was getting something for nothing.
 
Call for assistance
-------------------

Operator: "Okay, I'd like you to take a look at the back of the computer and tell me, does the modem have one phone jack, or two?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Do you see just the one plug for a modem cord, or are there two?"

Customer: "Just a second, I'll get my husband. He'll know."

 






I'd like to see the definition of 'urgent' in your personal dictionary.
As I say, not as I do
---------------------

Customer: "Look, the situation is urgent. You understand? Urgent! We've got a batch of orders to process, and we need our network up!"

Operator: "Okay, we could have a technician on site in about half an hour --"

Customer: "That's no good, I'm going home in a couple of minutes."

Operator: "How about tomorrow morning?"

Customer: "No, I don't come in on weekends."

 
 
Unreasonable expectations
-------------------------

Operator: "[RIP] helpdesk, [Operator] speaking. How can I help you?"

Customer: "You people made me wait over forty minutes this morning, so now I'm going to put you on hold and see how you like it!"

Operator: "Sorry, I don't think so." CLICK

 
 
Everything the hard way
-----------------------

Operator: "Those server names aren't quite correct, so we'll just need to update them --"

Customer: "Well how are people supposed to know what server names go in there? I did my best, but I had to guess at them, you know."

Operator: "Didn't our customer service team send you the new user documentation?"

Customer: "Oh, is that what that was for?"







What we need is an instruction booklet to tell people to read the other instruction booklet.
 
Anyone's fault but mine
-----------------------

Customer: "I can't possibly have spelled the address wrong. I mean, it's my name. You must have made the mistake at that end."

Operator: "We don't have any access to your computer. It could only be done from the keyboard."

Customer: "Some people have been emailing me using the wrong address. They must have changed it here with their email."

Operator: "Incorrectly-addressed email wouldn't reach you at all. There's no way it could alter your account settings."

Customer: "But it's my name."

 





The system's not perfect, but it's better than you.
Everything the hard way
-----------------------

Customer: "I've just set up my computer for the internet connection. You sent me an installation CD, but I don't like those things, I think they cause more problems than they solve, so I set it up manually."

Operator: "Okay, what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, it didn't work."

 
 
Unrealistic expectations
-----------------------

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

28/11/03 12:18 chrisk ticket_update

* devon calling to advise that he doesn't believe there is noise on the line, doesn't intend to get a line check done, and wants to know what we're going to do about it

* advised customer that if he squeezes his eyes tightly shut so no-one can see him, the problem will go away / closed pending customer input

 
 
Generation gap
--------------

Customer: "You'll just have to hold on a minute, Mum's on the computer. She's trying to double-click the icon open, but she keeps missing."





I bet she sucks at Counterstrike, too.
 

By any other name
-----------------

Customer: "I'm having trouble with my DDSL connection."

Operator: "I'm sorry, a DDSL connection? Not an ADSL connection?"

Customer: "No. It's like DSL [Digital Subscriber Line], but it's digital."

 












I don't care what you think, and management doesn't care what I think. You're just wasting precious oxygen.
Bite back
---------

Operator: "[RIP] helpdesk, could I have your --"

Customer: "Do you realise how long I've been waiting? You can't possibly realise or you wouldn't have left me there that long!"

Operator: "I'm sorry to hear that. Could I have --"

Customer: "This isn't the way a company that's serious about customer service operates! I've been in the customer service industry myself, and I know how things work."

Operator: "I understand, but just at the moment I'd like to concentrate on the technical issue --"

Customer: "If you're short-staffed, hire more staff. It's a simple equation. You might think you're saving money, but in the long run it's going to cost you. Anyone who's studied business management should realise that!"

Operator: (getting impatient) "Okay, I tell you what -- next time the general director drops into the call centre to ask me how to run the company, I'll tell him that."

Customer: (quietly) "...yes... well... attitude is a big part of it, too."

 
 
But I'm innocent, officer
-------------------------

Customer: "I've talked to my computer technician, and he told me the problems I've been having are because of ground noise on my phone line."

Operator: "Mmm-hmm."

Customer: "So are you going to fix it, or do I switch to another ISP?"

 
 
Pop quiz
--------

Here's the scenario: there's a major IP outage which is affecting thousands of customers. All available network technicians have been diverted to work on it, the phones are running hot with upset people who can't browse their blogs and porn sites, and support agents are feeling their stress building as they try to work faster and keep the call queues short.

On the next call he picks up, the customer sarcastically thanks the agent for taking time away from the water cooler to answer him after only twenty minutes. Does the agent:

A)Offer a sincere apology for the inconvenience and do his best to assist the caller?

B)Sigh inwardly, check the clock to see how long until his next break and grudgingly do the bare minimum to get the customer off the phone?

C)Invent an excuse to put the customer on hold, grab some coffee and read his email?












Hint: you won't need any vowels to answer this question.
 
Everything the hard way
-----------------------

Operator: "Can I have your account details, please?"

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Operator: "Some detail of your account I can use to pull it up in our database."

Customer: "I don't understand."

Operator: (sigh) "Can you give me a login ID, an email address or an account number?"

Customer: "An account number... like on my bill?"

Operator: "Yes."

Customer: "The bill you send me every month?"

Operator: "Yes!"

Customer: "Okay, I've got one here. Where's the number?"

Operator: "Should be at the top of the first page."

Customer: "Which page?"

Operator: "First page."

Customer: "The account number?"

Operator: "Yes."

Customer: "Is that the same as the customer number?"

Operator: "Yes."

Customer: "Okay, I found it."

Operator: (thank God) "What's the number?"

Customer: "I can't tell, there's a staple over it."

 





And you were going to use that internet connection how?
Communication breakdown
-----------------------

Customer: "I can't connect. It's giving me an error 680."

Operator: "Does it display an error message along with that number?"

Customer: "How can I tell? This is my girlfriend's computer, she's Chinese."

 
 
Think about it
--------------

Customer: "I just got my computer back from the shop. They installed a new version of Windows, so all of my internet settings have been deleted. I tried to connect, but I can't. Do I need to put the settings in again?"

 
 
Hardware misapprehensions
-------------------------

Customer: "You sent me the wrong size CD. I need a three-and-a-half inch CD, not a five-and-a-quarter inch CD."




I guess he doesn't have a cup-holder.
 
Cut off your nose to spite your face
------------------------------------

Operator: "Okay, I'd like you to open your My Computer icon --"

Customer: "I've had to wait hours to get through to you, and I was just furious, so I turned my computer off!"

 

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