Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

 

Failure to communicate ---------------------- Operator: "Does the computer need this phone line?" Customer: "What do you mean?" Operator: "When you connect up to the internet, is it through this phone line?" Customer: "I don't understand." Operator: (sigh) "When you go online, the computer dials out over the phone line, right?" Customer: "Yeah." Operator: "So when you want to go on the internet, the phone line can't already be use. Okay?" Customer: "Yeah." Operator: "So, do you need to use the phone line we're talking on now to connect to the internet?" Customer: "I don't understand what you mean."

None so blind ------------- Operator: "Okay, I can see you're connected. Do you have internet explorer open at the moment?" Customer: "How can I tell?" Operator: "Is there a blue E in the corner?" Customer: "Uh... what's it look like?"

Well, it's blue and it's E-shaped and -- oh, I give up.

Hello, who am I? ---------------- Customer: "I'm getting terrible static on my phone line. Can you test it and see if there's something wrong with it?" Operator: "Certainly. Is it the number you're calling from now?" Customer: "No, it's my home phone." Operator: "Okay, what's the number?" Customer: "It's... uh... I think it's..." Operator: "Yes?" Customer: "Hang on, I'll have to call someone I know and ask them."

Beyond the call --------------- Customer: "This morning when I left home, I forgot to unplug my fax machine and switch the line back over to the phone. So now when I call all I get is the fax. Can you send someone around to switch it over for me?" Operator: "Um, no. Sorry."

Make up your mind ----------------- Operator: "[RIP] faults, [Operator] speaking." Customer: "Hi. I started up on your highspeed internet last week." Operator: "Are you having some connection difficulty?" Customer: "I used to be with [rival ISP], and your people switched me over. I had one of your technicians in to install the equipment." Operator: "Is there some kind of problem with the equipment?" Customer: "Well, when I was with [rival ISP] I had an email address the same as my name. Now one of your people has set me up with the same address except with you instead of them." Operator: "Okay. Are you having a problem receiving email?" Customer: "It's a highspeed connection I've got." Operator: "Are you, at this moment, experiencing some kind of trouble that I can help you with?" Customer: "Dunno..."

My point is that only Dr Who can restart a PC thousands of times in thirty minutes.

For the millionth time, exaggeration ------------------------------------ Operator: "Have you tried restarting the computer?" Customer: "Yes, thousands of times." Operator: "Thousands of times? This problem came up about half an hour ago, didn't it?" Customer: "That's right." Operator: "It takes, what, two minutes to restart a PC?" Customer: "About that, yes." Operator: "And you've restarted it thousands of times?" Customer: "What's your point?" Operator: "You know, I'm not sure I have one."

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 28/09/03 chrisk ticket_open * bruce calling / analogue line / ##-###-#### * cannot call own number, always gets engaged tone - situation unchanged since line first installed * advised bruce not to use HIS OWN LINE to call himself / resolved

If at first you fail... ----------------------- Operator: "Now, as soon as the control panel comes up, I'd like you to click on the modem icon." Customer: click, click, click "Uh... it didn't work. Hang on -- I'll try clicking it harder."

Without a doubt --------------- Customer: "I can't get connected. When I dial up, I hear a disconnected line sound through the modem speaker." Operator: "Did you get our email notification of the new dial-in number?" Customer: "Yes." Operator: "Did you update the number in your connection?" Customer: "No." Operator: "Okay, I think that would be the cause of the problem." Customer: "Are you trying to say it's my fault?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I just closed my account with [rival telco] and opened an account with you last week, but I'm having some trouble now because I don't have enough lines. I need the same kind of setup I had when I was with [rival telco]." Operator: "Okay, we can provide that. What kind of setup did you have when you were back there?" Customer: "Now how would I know that?"

Considering we've just stolen one of their customers, do you think they'd be happy to tell us?

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 22/08/03 chrisk ticket_open * gavin (IT manager) calling / win2k / radiolink highspeed and managed router * cannot reach own website - browser gives 404 error, ping test timing out, dns lookup failing * advised gavin this is all normal if he spells his domain name wrong / NFA

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "Hi, I need you to check our line ##-###-####. We're having some trouble with it." Operator: "Okay, what kind of trouble is it giving you?" Customer: "We had some trouble with that line a couple of months ago as well." Operator: "What's the trouble at the moment?" Customer: "We've had a lot of work done on these lines since the start of the year, but I don't think this one has been looked at yet." Operator: "What's the problem that's come up on this line?" Customer: "...I can't remember."

This is just plain irresponsible. If you're not taking steps to protect yourself from viruses, you don't belong on the internet.

Prevention or cure ------------------ Customer: "Listen, I've received more than sixty virus notices from your mail server today!" Operator: "Yes, each time someone sends you an infected message, the server strips it out and sends you a warning message." Customer: "Well take it off! I'd rather have the virus."

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: 19/08/03 chrisk ticket_open * Melissa calling / win98 / lucent winmodem * email issues, 3rd party software issues, customer cannot possibly find her own ass with both hands and a boyscout issues * assited with email, recommended contacting vendor re 3rd party software, advised customer how to find her own ass / closed pending customer input

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I'm having some trouble making international calls. I called already on Thursday." Operator: "Hmmm... I see from the notes that the operator you spoke with at the time thought he'd been able to sort that out. Are you getting the same recorded message this time?" Customer: "I don't know, I haven't tried it since Thursday."

Cause and effect ---------------- Customer: "I hope you can help me, because I'm having some trouble. I can't access my account." Operator: [clickety-click] "Mr [Customer], you called on Friday and asked us to close that account." Customer: "Yes, that's right." Operator: "...you're wanting that re-opened now, are you?" Customer: "I suppose I'll have to." Operator: "I'll put you through to customer service."

It's disturbing how many people think they're cancelling the charges, but keeping the service.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I've lost my phone. Can you find it for me?" Operator: "We might be able to. What's the number?" Customer: [quotes number] Operator: "Where did you last use it?" Customer: "It's either in the bedroom or the kitchen, but I just can't find it."

What kind of lapse in common sense leads you to think you can make a call without knowing the number?

Well-spotted ------------ Customer: "I'm trying to make an overseas call, and it's not working. I don't know the international code for the country I'm trying to reach, is that what's causing the problem?"

Threat condition orange ----------------------- Customer: "I don't really understand how my virus program works, so what I'd like to do instead is call you each morning, and you can tell me if it's safe to go online."

Hello, who am I? ---------------- Customer: "I'm trying to get my voicemail from your tollfree number, but it doesn't recognise my phone number. What's wrong?" Operator: "What's the number you're entering?" Customer: [quotes number] Operator: "Uh... that's not one of our numbers. That's one of [rival telco]'s numbers." Customer: "Oh. Does that mean I can't use your voicemail?"

We offer all the same services, but we're not quite as interchangable as you seem to think.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "My son played around with the computer, so I tried to fix it, but it's still not working." Operator: "What did you do to fix it?" Customer: "I pressed all the buttons I could find, but that didn't help."

Two out of six digits? That gives us about ten thousand tickets which could be yours...

Hopeless optimism ----------------- Customer: "I called earlier about a problem I'm having with my phone. I didn't write down the reference number I was given, but I remember the first two digits. That's enough for you to look it up, right?"

Hello, who am I? ---------------- Caller: "I must be one of your customers! I called [rival company] and they said I'm not one of their customers and you're the only other telephone company I can think of!"

I don't know, what do you want to do? ------------------------------------- Customer: "My husband and I just sat down to watch a movie on the adult channel, and we're not getting a signal." Operator: "We're having some trouble with that channel at the moment. Our techs are looking at the equipment now, and we expect to have it sorted out within an hour or so." Customer: "Well what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime?"

Why not try making your own entertainment?

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