Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

Should I teach them fax machine whistle-talk?

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I'm trying to send a fax to these people, but there's a problem." Operator: "What kind of problem?" Customer: "They don't have a fax machine."

Hello, who am I? ---------------- Customer: "Can you tell me what number I'm calling from at this extension?" Operator: "Normally that would show on my phone, but your line must have a caller ID block." Customer: "It does, but you can take it off, right?" Operator: "Well yes, but what number would I be removing it from?" Customer: "THIS one!"

This one! The one I've taken steps to hide from you!

Lost in cyberspace ------------------ Operator: "What's your user ID?" Customer: "www.[website].com." Operator: "That seems to be a website address rather than a user ID." Customer: "Oh. Is that wrong?" Operator: "Could I have your email address?" Customer: "www.[website].com." Operator: "O-kay... what about your account number?" Customer: "www.[website].com."

Phone-induced amnesia?

Reality-impaired ---------------- Customer: "I can't get my email, can you help me check my email settings?" Operator: "No problem. Can you open Outlook Express please." Customer: "How do I do that?" Operator: "Just like you would on any normal day." Customer: "How do I do it on a normal day?"

Well-spotted ------------ Operator: "Faults desk." Customer: "Hi. I can't connect to the internet, and I think it's because the modem cord's not plugged in." Operator: "Uh... yeah, that could be it." Customer: "Okay, thanks." click

Mind wanders, doesn't come back ------------------------------- Operator: "First, I'd like you to click into the start menu, then open up the control panel." Customer: "Hmm-hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm-hmm..." Operator: "Hello?" Customer: "Sorry, I was listening to the music. What did you want me to do?" Operator: "Click into the start menu, then open the control panel." Customer: "Hmm-hmm hmm..." Operator: [after a while] "How's that going? Is the control panel open?" Customer: "What? Sorry, I got distracted." Operator: "Open the start menu, then the control panel." Customer: "Hmm hmm-hmm-hmm..." Operator: [after more time has passed] "Do you have the control panel up?" Customer: "Hmm-hmm hmm... yeah, just about. Uh... what was it you said first? Start menu?" Operator: GRRRRRR

Being one of the large number of people who pay for my time doesn't mean you get to waste it.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "They really need this fax. It's important." Operator: "I realise that, but they don't have a fax machine." Customer: "If they don't get this fax, business could come to a screeching halt, and that means no more fees for you." Operator: "There's no way to transmit a fax to someone who doesn't have a machine." Customer: "Please! I'm begging you! They must have this fax!" Operator: "I understand, but they don't have a machine...!"

For me to read your mind, there has to be something in there.

A stitch in time... unravelled ------------------------------ Customer: "I've already been over this with one of your guys yesterday." Operator: "Okay, I'll look up the notes that were recorded yesterday. What's the fault number you were given?" Customer: "I was bored, so I didn't write it down." Operator spends the next hour troubleshooting the exact same problem with the customer. Operator quotes customer a fault number. Customer writes it down this time.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "One of our lines is very noisy. Can you check it for us, please?" Operator: "Okay, what's the number?" Customer: "##-###-#### is our fax number, but that's not the problem." Operator: "What's the number for the problem line?" Customer: "###-###-#### is where I'm calling you from now." Operator: "Is that number the problem?" Customer: "No." Operator: [Grrrr] "Okay, what - number - is - the - problem?" Customer: "..." Operator: "Hello?" Customer: "... I don't know."

Think first, THEN open mouth ---------------------------- Customer: "So that'll be taken care of? Good. Can you call me after you've finished the work?" Operator: "Okay. What number can we reach you on?" Customer: "I don't know."

That's right, it's all our fault -------------------------------- Customer: "The conference light on my phone is blinking." Operator: "Sounds like you've got a call waiting on it." Customer: "I couldn't have. I just got here." Operator: "Maybe someone else in the office had someone on hold?" Customer: "That couldn't happen, we just don't do that." Operator: "Pressing the button will connect a waiting call through, if there is one." Customer: "Can't you be serious?" Operator: "Please try it." Customer: "Alright, but it won't -- Steve! How long have you been waiting? -- No, it's the damn phone company, they've been messing us around all morning."

All-seeing, all-knowing ----------------------- Customer: "Finally! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to get through to you?!" Operator: [checks caller display] "Nineteen seconds." Customer: "Uh... yeah, maybe... but... I had to come through three other departments first..." Operator: "...Is there something I can help you with?"

Sorry to steal the wind from your sails...

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Customer: "I went online to your accounts page but I can't make a new account." Operator: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "I can't put the numbers in." Operator: [checks account number and password - they're fine] "Did you log in through the account management option on the menu?" Customer: "Yes." Operator: "Alright, click on 'create secondary account'." Customer. "Okay..." Operator: "Now enter the account number." Customer: "It won't take it." Operator: "That's weird... you're entering the account number, right? Not the password?" Customer: "Yes." Operator: "And you clicked on 'create secondary'?" Customer: "Yes." Operator: "What error message is it showing?" Customer: "'Select a modem'." Operator: "I see. Your computer's not even set up to go online, is it?" Customer: "No."

Unrealistic expectations ------------------------ Notes taken from a trouble ticket: * customer would like it on record that she believes we should have told her we cannot grant access to the email service provided by her former isp BEFORE she joined, and save her the trouble of switching * customer INSTRUCTS us to send one of our support techs or hire a local technician to set up her email client for her former isp - advised the customer this is not a service we provide * customer would also like us to know she considers us very unhelpful * advised the customer how sorry i am to hear that / NFA

Just hoist that screen up on the photocopier!

So what do you call a half-genius? ---------------------------------- Operator: "Faults department, how can I help?" Customer: "I'm trying to print something, and I can't." Operator: "Okay, let's take a look at the print settings. First you'll need to click the 'Start' bu--" Customer: "Whoa, wait a second! If I was a computer genius I wouldn't need to call you, would I?"

I think you've missed the point ------------------------------- Operator: "Click on 'My Computer'." Customer: "Yup." Operator: "Click on 'Dial Up Networking'." Customer: "Yup." Operator: "Right-click on 'Dial [RIP] and choose properties." Customer: "Yup." Operator: "Click on 'Server Types'." Customer: "Yup." Operator: "Now, which of the last three boxes there are ticked?" Customer: "Uh... my computer isn't turned on. I'm just remembering all this to do later." Operator: [groan]

Fun with email -------------- Customer: "I received an email message without an address in the sender field. Does that mean I can't reply?" Operator: "I don't know. What happens when you try?" Customer: "Uh..."

You spent ten minutes waiting for me to give you the answer you could have found yourself in seconds...

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Operator: "Double click on 'My Computer'." Customer: [click...pause... click] "Nothing happened." Operator: "Try it again." Customer: [as My Computer window opens on the screen] "Oh no, it's all disappeared! It's gone!"

Maybe everyone you know is frying bacon when you try to call them?

Stretching the truth -------------------- Customer: "[hiss] ...talking to... [crackle] ...line test...[pop] ...percent..." Operator: "Sorry, what was that?" Customer: "[crackle] ...tested with the...[hum] ...all good in... [hiss]" Operator: "I'm sorry, I'm not getting any of this." Customer: "[pop] ...told me that... [hiss] ...problem at your... [hum] ...the server." Operator: "Could you repeat that?" Customer: "[squeal] ...said, there's nothing wrong with my line! [POP!]"

Sign right here --------------- Customer: [real deep manly man voice] "I just registered, but I can't seem to log into the account." Operator: "Okay, what login ID did you enter?" Customer: "It's 'big-guy@[RIP]'." Operator: "Right, I'll just -- oh." Customer: "What?" Operator: "You seem to have made a bit of a spelling mistake there. It's come through as 'bi-guy@[RIP]'." Customer: "It's what?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer ------------------------------------ Operator: "Okay, the update has gone through and your new password is 'password1', all lower case." Customer: "Is that a lower case 1 as well?" Operator: "Uh... yes."

But no lower case spaces or other lower case punctuation.

You're not talking my language ------------------------------ Operator: "Welcome to [RIP] technical help, can I have your email address please." Customer: "No no no no no! I telling them before I already have the [RIP] innernet!" Operator: "Okay, could I have the email address from your [RIP] account, then. " Customer: "No no no! I already got the innernet! I tell you what I need, I need --" Operator: [interrupting] "Before we go into that I'll need to find your account in our database. Please give me the email address or customer number that goes with it." Customer: "You not unnerstanding, I already got the innernet, I need help with the email. I tell you what happen..." Operator: [groan]

Hands in the air, back away from the keyboard --------------------------------------------- A disgruntled customer who was unhappy with the charges she had to pay decided she'd get some revenge by signing our billing department's email address up on a series of porn mailing lists. Not a bad plan except that a) it takes us about 10 seconds to filter out a domain and b) she used our service to go online and do it. Busted!

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