Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
Updated 22 November

Trust is a wonderful thing
--------------------------

If I had a dollar for every woman who's ever said to me "But no-one in this house looks at porn!", I'd never have to work again.

You shouldn't believe everything you read.

Baffle 'em with jargon
----------------------

Customer: "My computer should have plenty of power for the internet. It says on the front '52x CD-ROM'. If it's got fifty-two CD-ROMs, it must be pretty good, right?"

When the whistle blows, the train is moving
-------------------------------------------

Company: "In three months we will no longer be offering that service, so please arrange a connection with another ISP."

Customer: "Okay."

Company: "In two months we're shutting it down."

Customer: "No problem."

Company: "In one month, no more account. No foolin'."

Customer: "Gotcha."

Company: "In two weeks, it's all gone."

Customer: "Uh-huh."

Company: "In one week, kablooey. For real."

Customer: "No sweat."

Company: "Last day. We mean it."

Customer: "I understand."

Company: "Password not valid."

Customer: "OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I HAVE EMPLOYEES TO PAY MY BUSINESS CAN'T RUN YOU'RE GOING TO BANKRUPT ME I'LL SUE YOU!!!"

Don't tempt me
--------------

Customer: "I can't FTP into the homepages server, it keeps timing out while waiting for a welcome message."

Operator: "Sounds like you'll need to switch your FTP client to passive mode --"

Customer: "No."

Operator: "What?"

Customer: "I shouldn't have to do anything and I'm not prepared to change my settings."

Operator: "Then you'll continue to have this problem."

Customer: "Oh really. If my boss, the one who pays all your fees, called and asked the same question, what would you say to her?"

Operator: "GET A NEW WEBMASTER."

One click is all it would take. Instead we argued for a quarter hour.

Broken record
-------------

Customer: "But how do I know it'll be faster?"

Operator: "You'll need to try that out, now that we've changed the settings."

Customer: "But how do I know it'll be faster?"

Operator: "You'll need to try it out."

Customer: "But how do I know it'll be faster?"

Operator: "You'll need to try it out."

Customer: "But... how do I know?"

Operator: "You'll need to try it out."

Customer: "You're just repeating yourself!"

Operator: "There doesn't seem to be any avoiding it."

Maybe warning her was the wrong thing to do.

Shoot the messenger
-------------------

Customer: "I got this email from you saying I was infected by a virus and I should run the script file attached --"

Operator: "Don't!"

Customer: "Why not?"

Operator: "We don't send attachments, they're a security risk. That message is probably a virus using a fake sender's address."

Customer: "If I'm infected now, it's your fault for not telling me you don't send attachments!"

1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = ?
-----------------

Operator: "How many accounts do you see set up on this screen?"

Customer: "I see pop3.[RIP.com], and then pop3.[RIP.com]2, and then it's pop3.[Other ISP] --"

Operator: "I just need to know how many, not what they're called."

Customer: "Oh, okay. Just one, then."

Cut off your nose to spite your face
------------------------------------

Customer: "No, don't give me the details. I don't want them."

Operator: "These are account details for your connection."

Customer: "I don't want them."

Operator: "Without the user name and password entered into your settings, you will never be able to connect."

Customer: "Fine, see if I care! Just cancel the account!" click

Operator: "...the hell?"

How was she planning to use the account?

Did she think we'd courier her a magical wish-granting genie?

Telephone police, how can I help?
---------------------------------

Customer: "I've just brought home this new cordless phone, and when I go to make a call, I can hear my neighbours talking on their phone."

Operator: "Do they have a cordless as well?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "Sounds like your phones are on the same frequency, so they're picking up each other's signal. The phone's manual will show you how to set it to a different frequency."

Customer: "Listen. I pay you for my line, am I right?"

Operator: "Yes, but the line isn't --"

Customer: "Am I right?"

Operator: (sigh) "Yes."

Customer: "Then you can make them change their frequency."

I'm not asking for rocket science.

I'd settle for the kind of logic a three-year old is capable of.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Operator: "Sounds like the computer may not be detecting a dialtone. Does your phone line have a voicemail service?"

Customer: "I don't know that. How would I know that?"

Operator: "Have you asked your telco for voicemail?"

Customer: "Yes, yesterday morning."

Operator: "..."

Customer: "But I don't know if I have it or not."

Can't take a hint
-----------------

Customer: "...and that was when I decided I'd better call you people about hooking up my internet. Then two weeks ago I started thinking --"

Operator: "If I can just interrupt you, knowing the background isn't really useful until I know what the current situation is, could you tell me about the problem you've had?"

Customer: "Well, the problem is sixty years ago in 1945 while living in a coal mine in Cardiff I bought my first computer which was built out of balsa wood and recycled German shell casings, that I used mostly for --"

Operator: "Once again, it would really help me a lot to know what sort of trouble you're having right now."

Customer: "You see, it all started in prehistoric times when we used to chisel silicon chips directly from enormous rocks using crude tools that we knapped from flints found while hunting sabre-tooth tigers for food --"

Operator: "Mr [Customer], please stop. Just stop."

Customer: "What's wrong?"

My understanding is that you've called us because right now, today, you're having trouble with your internet account. Is that right?"

Customer: "Five billion years ago when the sun was still a cloud of slowly-condensing gas and we didn't have this Pentium technology you young fellas use today --"

Operator: [finally decides he may as well catch up on some email and just let the customer rattle on]

Customer: "...which all ended when water began to precipitate out of the atmosphere and the Earth's oceans formed, and I think I'd better let you go now and call back later because I'm out of time and I have an appointment to get to." click

Operator: "..."

Jumping the gun
---------------

Customer: "Your technician was supposed to set me up on my server and he's just walked out and it's not working! What are you going to do about that?"

Operator: "What did --"

Customer: "Oh wait -- he only went out to his van. He's coming back." click

Not that the customer was over-eager to find fault, or anything...

Mistaken identity
-----------------

Customer: "You people are useless! I'm trying to bring up my broadband usage information, and it keeps telling me my details are wrong."

Operator: "What are the details you've entered?"

Customer: "It's [login] and [password]."

Operator: "I see. Any particular reason you're trying our usage meter when you're a [rival ISP] customer?"

Customer: "The one on their site doesn't work!"

back to main