Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
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Customer: "Hi, I need to get you to point my domain name to a new IP address."

Operator: "Okay, what's the domain that needs to be updated?"

Customer: "It's [domain.com]."

Operator: "Right. And what's the address you need that pointed to?"

Customer: "Oh... do I have to tell you that as well?"

False start
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Customer: "I'm on my computer, trying to set up your internet, and it's not working."

Operator: "Have you run through our connection CD?"

Customer: "I can't remember what I did."

Note to customers: if you know you're stupid, please have a grown-up assist you.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
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Customer: "Hi, it's Mrs [customer]. I called earlier, and I'm still having the same problem."

Operator: "What kind of problem was that?"

Customer: "Didn't I speak to you earlier?"

Operator: "I don't think so."

Customer: "Oh, is there more than one of you there?"

If at first you don't succeed
-----------------------------

Operator: "I'd like you to enter a letter A."

Customer: "Okay — oh, whoops. Hang on, I made a mistake. I'll try again."

Operator: "Then it's T for Terry —"

Customer: "Hang on, I did it wrong again. I'm just going to try that again."

Operator: "Right. Then you need —"

Customer: "No, I still got it wrong. Just a second."

Operator: "You need a letter A. Just a normal letter A. There's nothing special about this A. So I'd like you to put your finger on the 'A' key and press down. That should be all you need to do. Okay?"

Customer: "Okay."

Operator: "Now, did that work?"

Customer: "Uh... no, but let's carry on. I'll go back and fix that later."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Customer: "I can't find that right now, so I'll have to call you back. What's your number?"

Operator: "It's 0123-456-789."

Customer: "That's too long."

Operator: "No, it's right. It's a toll-free number."

Customer: "I mean it's too hard."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
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Operator: "Okay, now we're on the control panel. Is the screen in Classic or Category mode?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Is it Classic mode?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Are you there?"

Customer: "You've confused me and now I've accidentally shut the computer down!"

If finding the icon and clicking the icon are still enough to confuse you, you haven't graduated past the Reader Rabbit stage.

Tremendous effort
-----------------

Customer: "I hope you can help me, I have a new computer and I've tried everything to connect and it's not working. I'm at my wit's end."

Operator: "Okay, what have you done so far to set the computer up for your internet account?"

Customer: "Well, nothing."

How did you upgrade?

"I scribbled out the old version number with a magic marker."

New and improved
----------------

Operator: "What version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "Windows 97."

Operator: "Okay, I'd like you to close down any programs you have open at the moment, right-click on your 'my computer' icon and bring up the properties option. What version does it show you there?"

Customer: "Windows 98. Oh that's right, I upgraded."

Mistaken identity
-----------------

Customer: "I've been waiting bloody ages! You do know that, don't you?"

Operator: "Is there a technical problem I can help you with?"

Customer: "I can't get into my DSL account, it keeps rejecting my password."

Operator: "What's the password you've entered?"

Customer: "It's P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D."

Operator: "Okay, I can see that's the valid password, but this doesn't seem to be a DSL account. The database shows it as dial-up."

Customer: "Rubbish. I've had [rival ISP] for ages."

Operator: "Sorry, did you say [rival ISP]?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "I think I see why it's rejecting your [RIP] password."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Customer: "I'm having some trouble with one of my high speed connections. I've got two."

Operator: "Okay, I've found the details of those. which one is the problem?"

Customer: "I don't know. My IT contractor was looking at them today and he knows, but I don't want to call him or he'll charge me."

Oh goody goody, I get to do some completely unnecessary troubleshooting!

False start
-----------

Customer: "Well I hope you people are happy, because you've really done a number on me!"

Operator: "What seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "You sent me this CD and said I could follow the instructions on it to get set up on the internet. I did it on my uncle's computer and now all his internet settings are gone!"

You spend fifteen minutes waiting in the queue to talk to me, then you ignore me completely? Is this some kind of reverse psychology?


Operator: "Now I'd like you to click on that icon with your right-hand mouse button and bring up the properties —

Customer: "Hello."

Operator: "...hello. Can you still hear me okay?"

Customer: "Hello."

Operator: "Hello. Can you hear me?"

Customer: "Hello."

Operator: "Hello!"

Customer: (exasperated) "Oh, I wasn't talking to you."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Customer: "I cal### earlier and### to one of ### support people."

Operator: "I see... I think. What was this in relation to?"

Customer: "My connec### me trouble. I ###n't seem to send ema### He tried ### help me but it ### no good with my pho### cutting out. He said I sh### ###ng up, and call back."

Operator: "Uh... I think he meant on a different phone."

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Customer: "Ever since my son was doing his experiments earlier today, I can't get connected."

Operator: "Sorry, 'experiments'?"

Customer: "Yeah, he likes to play with the settings. You know, changing them around."

Operator: "You really shouldn't let him do that."

Customer: "But it makes him happy."

There's a finite amount of happiness in the world. He's getting some of mine.

Internet is hard
----------------

Customer: "I'm calling you because I need some help to find a program on my start menu. Can you help me with that?"

We all have to do things we don't want to.

I haven't hung up yet, have I?

Thanks for your co-operation
----------------------------

Operator: "What version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "Pardon?"

Operator: "What version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "Pardon?"

Operator: "I said, what version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "Pardon?"

Operator: "If you're having trouble hearing me, how about turning the music down?"

Customer: "Aw... I don't want to."

The wheels turn slowly
----------------------

Operator: "Okay, you'll need to click into the start menu, and then into the control panel. Now I'd like you to look at the panel of options on the left and tell me, is it in Classic mode or Category mode?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Is it in Classic, or Category?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Hello?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "Are you still there?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "I can't hear you now. If you're on a cordless phone, can you back a couple of steps away from the computer?"

Customer: "..."

Operator: "We seem to have lost the sound on this call, so I'm afraid I'll need to hang up and ask you to call back —

Customer: "No, don't do that. I'm here."

Operator: "Why didn't you answer?"

Customer: "I was thinking."

Information overload
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Customer: "I had way too many passwords, so I decided to organise my services and consolidate them all. I switched them all to my home password."

Operator: "Okay, and how can I help you?"

Customer: "Well, now everything's telling me that my password is wrong."

Obviously this caller has very personal definitions of the words 'organise' and 'consolidate'.
Step 1: proceed to phone.
Step 2: lift receiver
Step 3 make the damn call.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Operator: "In order to enter a better initialisation string, we'll need to know what type of modem hardware you have installed on that computer. Since you don't have documentation, can you call your supplier and ask them about it?"

Customer: "No, because I don't know how."

All things come to he who waits
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Customer: "I need to enter my outgoing mail server name somehow. Can you help me?"

Operator: "Yes, I can help you with that. Are you in Outlook Express at the moment?"

Customer: "Yes I am."

Operator: "First you'll need to click into the Tools menu there —"

Customer: "There's nowhere I can type it in."

Operator: "And then click on accounts —"

Customer: "There's nothing here either."

Operator: "Be patient Mr [Customer], we're not there yet. Next you'll need to bring up the Mail tab —

Customer: "There's nothing here."

Operator: "— and then the properties button —"

Customer: "No, nothing here."

Operator: "— and then the servers tab."

Customer: "There's noth —"

Operator: "Look again."

Customer: "Oh. Yes, here it is."

Internet is hard
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Customer: "Hi, is this the helpdesk? I'm calling because I need some help to read my help file."

Certainly. You open the file. Then you read the file. Any questions?
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