Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Think about it
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Customer: "I've deleted all the error messages off the screen, but I still can't get connected."

"I shot the messenger, but the problem didn't go away!"
We never told you that you need a car before you try driving to work, either. Sorry. Our fault.

Fine print
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Customer: "I'm calling to complain. I've been trying for hours to connect and getting nowhere, and it's all because no-one bothered to tell me I need to set up a bloody account!"

Just checking
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Customer: "Hi, I'm having some trouble with my computer on the internet. Is this the number I call for help?"

Operator: "Yes, this is it."

Customer: "Okay, great. Thanks." click

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
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Operator: "If you'd like to quote me your password, I can run that combination through our server."

Customer: "Okay. I have a number here, 01-234-5678, is that it?"

Operator: (typing) "No... that doesn't appear to match the correct password."

Customer: "What do I have that number for, then? What is it?"

Operator: "Uh... that's your home phone number."

And yet he remembers our number. Amazing.

Internet is hard
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Manager: "You've been on that call a while. Is something wrong?"

Operator: "The customer's trying to click the mouse."

Manager: "What's he clicking on?"

Operator: "When he's mastered the concept of clicking, we'll worry about clicking on."

Another 1337 h4x0r cruising the murky waters of the World Wide Web.

Unrealistic expectations
------------------------

Notes taken from a trouble ticket:

09/03/04 14:25 chrisk ticket_open

* monique calling / win me / unknown modem

* currently trying to install IE6, installation prog has asked her to restart the PC - monique is calling to ask what she should do

* told her / NFA

Internet is hard
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Customer: "I don't want to have to scroll my Outlook Express. Can you fix it so I don't have to scroll?"

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Caller: "Hi, I'm calling on behalf of one of your customers. They have a domain name hosted with you, but it's being moved to my hosting service today."

Operator: "Okay, how can I help?"

Caller: "How do I set up a domain name?"

I don't know how he's going to spin it, but somehow even this will be our fault.

Think about it
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Customer: "I'm trying to send an attachment, but the server keeps timing out."

Operator: "How large is the attachment that your sending?"

Customer: "Not very big. It's only about seven hundred of those thingies."

Operator: "Thingies?"

Customer: "Yeah. You know. Those little ones."

Operator: "Can you bring that up on the screen now?"

Customer: "Yes, here it is. Seven hundred exactly."

Operator: "Seven hundred what?"

Customer: "Megabytes."

And he knows where you live, too.

Time to call in sick
--------------------

It's 08:30 in the morning, we're already queueing heavily, and the agent at the desk behind me is using the internet to shop for guns.

If this is my final update, you'll know the reason why.

Internet is hard
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Customer: "I'm on your website at the moment trying to register a new user account. There's a lot of instructions on the screen and I don't want to read them all. Can you summarise them for me?"

Tempting fate
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Customer: "I've been with you for years, and I've never had any kind of trouble at all, nothing. Can you tell me why that would be?"

If it ain't broke, let's fix it until it is.

Missing a vital component
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Customer: "I need some help to set up my computer for the internet. Can you help me with that?"

Operator: "Yes, I can take you through the setup procedure. What version of Windows are you running?"

Customer: "Now before we start I need to let you know that I can't read. That won't be a problem, will it?"

Operator: "..."

I really don't have the slightest idea what to say to this.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Operator: "Now I'd like you to look at the left-hand edge of the screen and tell me is the first option you see —"

Customer: "What do you mean? There's no left hand edge!"

Computing in the kitchen
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Operator: "I'd like you to bring up the System icon and tell me: what version of Windows are you running on that computer?"

Customer: "Microwave Windows."

Call for help
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Operator: "...and now I'd like you to restart the computer."

Customer: "What do you mean, restart?"

Operator: "Turn it off, and then back on."

Customer: (pause) "...okay, I've turned the computer off... now I'll just need to go and get my husband, he's the one who knows how to turn it on."

It's good for a married couple to share interests.

Internet is hard
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Operator: "Now you need to double-click on that icon to open it."

Customer: "Uh... the icon moved, but it didn't open."

Operator: "Try it again."

Customer: "No... it didn't work."

Operator: "Try it again."

Customer: "No, nothing's happening. It went blue for a moment, but that's all."

Operator: "Try it again."

Customer: "Isn't there an easier way?"

I tried to send email to the colour blue, and that didn't work either.

I have no idea
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Customer: "I tried to send some email to my password this morning, but it didn't work."

Don't jump to conclusions
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Customer: "When I try to connect, all I get is 'no dialtone'. That means I've been hacked, doesn't it?"

Think about it
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Customer: "Why's my ADSL so slow? My pricing plan is supposed to be four times faster than dial-up, but it's slower!"

Operator: "Looks like it's getting the right speed. How many people do you have using that connection?"

Customer: "About thirty."

What was the point of calling, then?

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Operator: "[RIP] helpdesk, [Operator] speaking. Could I have your customer number, please?"

Customer: "Oh! Uh... just a second, I'll have to find it. I didn't expect anyone to answer."

Not quite famous
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Operator: "[RIP] helpdesk, this is [Operator]. How can I help you?"

Customer: "Don't you already know?"

Operator: "Are you having some kind of technical problem?"

Customer: "The last guy I talked to said he'd write it all down. Are you saying he didn't bother?"

Operator: "Well, if you'd like to give me your customer details, I'll look up his notes."

Customer: "Don't you know who I am?"

Operator: "Not unless you tell me, no."

Customer: "It's John!"

Too late, the moment passed
---------------------------

Customer: "When I called earlier you offered to send out a technician at five-thirty, and I said no because I wanted to go home tonight. Looks like that's not going to happen, so I'd like you to send that technician."

Operator: "I'm afraid that technician's been assigned somewhere else, and there's no-one else we could get out there tonight. That'll have to be looked at in the morning."

Customer: "But you said! You said you could have a technician out here at five-thirty!"

Operator: "Mr [Customer], three hours ago we could have had a technician out there at five-thirty. Now the technician's at work somewhere else, and even if he was free, your site is a forty minute drive from our depot and it's now five-twenty."

Customer: "Your service sucks!"

But our customers are paragons of patience and humility, right?

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
------------------------------------

Operator: "Okay, I'd like you to enter the following into the extra settings field. Capital 'A' for Adam —"

Customer: "Is that an upper-case capital or a lower-case capital?"

Nice multi-tasking. Now piss off.

There's a time and a place
--------------------------

Operator: "Okay, I'd like you to open up your email settings so we can check to see if your reply address info is correct —"

Customer: (over the sound of splashing in the background) "Uh... I can't do that right now."

Operator: "Is there a problem with the computer?"

Customer: "No... I'm giving my son a bath."

Think about it
--------------

Customer: "I can't get my email this morning. When I try to click on the icon, it — oh damn, it's happened again."

Operator: "What's happened?"

Customer: "There's a message saying 'Antivirus has detected a trojan horse running, do you want to terminate this possibly malicious program'. I always click cancel, but it keeps doing it."

Grow up
-------

Operator: "Mr [Customer], I realise you don't like the name [technician], but if you fake a choking fit every time I say it, this is going to be my shortest call of the day."

But it seemed so very long...

Faulty logic
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Operator: "You'll need to click on that icon with your right-hand mouse button, and then click properties."

Customer: "It didn't work."

Operator: "Try it again."

Customer: "I can't, the icon's gone."

Operator: "Gone? What happened?"

Customer: "I don't know."

Operator: "Did you right-click?"

Customer: "Yes."

Operator: "Did you click properties?"

Customer: "No, I clicked delete."

Operator: (sigh) "And that's when the icon vanished, is it?"

Customer: "No, that happened after I clicked 'OK'."

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