Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"
 
 Updated 23 November
 
In one ear, out the other
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Customer: "Look, all I know is I'm not getting the service I'm paying for. That's all I care about."

Operator: "Mr [Caller], once again, you are not one of our customers."

Customer: "What about this invoice? Why would you send me a bill if I'm not a customer?"

Operator: "That's a year old! You closed that account months ago!"

Customer: "Then who am I with if not you?"

Operator: "I don't know."

Customer: "Look, all I know is I'm not getting the service I'm paying for."

Operator: "I really can't help you."

Customer: "I'm going to stop paying these bills! What do you think about that?"

Operator: "That would be fine."

Customer: "I mean it!"

Operator: "So do I."

 
 
Gimme the cash
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Customer: "You people kept me on hold for over an hour today -- I want that time credited to my charges!"

Operator: "Mrs [customer], your first call took two minutes to go through, your second took three, and your third also took three. You didn't wait at all when you came through to me. That's a total of only eight minutes across four calls."

Customer: (quietly) "You can see that, can you?"

Operator: "That's right."

Customer: "Well, it felt like an hour, so I still think I should get it back."

Operator: "I'm afraid you don't even get the eight minutes."

Try buying a lottery ticket.
 
It never hurts to ask
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Customer: "I had to put my son into daycare for the morning so I could call you. That's $50 I've had to pay."

Operator: "I'm sorry to hear that."

Customer: "So you'll take that off my next bill?"

Operator: "Nope."

 



We all know how copper wire was invented, right?
Gimme the cash
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Customer: "I was looking at my watch and it took my connection minutes to go through. What kind of refund can I get for that?"
 
 
Gimme the cash
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Customer: "Hi, is this [RIP]? I'd like a credit for my last month with you, please."

Operator: "What sort of fault do you have?"

Customer: "No fault, I just don't want to pay."

 
 
The devil's in the details
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Operator: "Sorry, but it looks like there won't be a technician available to set up your decoder again until Thursday."

Customer: (whining) "Why do you treat me like this? I'm a good customer!"

Operator: "Miss [Customer], do you realise you've been sent to collections eight times in the past two years?"

Customer: "So?"

Operator: "That means you've never paid a bill until our debt collection agency has started proceedings against you."

Customer: "But they all got paid in the end, didn't they?"









We wouldn't hold a little thing like that against her, would we?
 
Caught short
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Operator: "I'm afraid it won't be possible to create another account until the outstanding charges on the old one have been paid off."

Customer: "That account is closed, I don't owe any money on it."

Operator: "It was closed because we never received any payment for it. There are six months of charges still owing."

Customer: "It's closed. You can't ask me to pay money for an account that's closed."

Operator: "But it was open and in use for six months, and during that time, none of the invoices were paid."

Customer: "But the account is closed now. That's why I need a new one. Can you just try to understand what I'm saying?"

Operator: "I will if you will."

 

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