Evil Genius helpdesk humour "We care a lot"

For some customers the word 'money' is a reset button.

Caught short ------------ Operator: "The account has been suspended because there are unpaid charges, so those will need to be taken care of before you can use it again." Customer: (long pause) "...is my password the problem?" Operator: "No, it's the account. It's been suspended, because of those unpaid charges." Customer: "Is it a problem with my modem?" Operator: "No, the account is suspended." Customer: "Is there a problem with your network?" Operator: "No, the account is suspended." Customer: "Is it --" Operator: "NO."

Caught short ------------ Operator: "I'm sorry, but I can't reactivate your account until these outstanding charges are paid off." Customer: "I had to wait 20 minutes to get through to you!" Operator: "Well, I'm afraid time isn't really money, so there are still charges to be paid."

Give me freedom --------------- Customer: "Why don't you give people free internet?" Operator: "Because if we did that, the cost of servicing all our customers would drive the company out of business, we'd all lose our jobs, and I personally would find myself sleeping in a gutter." Customer: "But you should!" Operator: "What, sleep in a gutter?" Customer: "No, give people free internet!" Operator: "We're not reading off the same page here, are we?"

Stop and think -------------- Customer: "I have an account with you, don't I?" Operator: "I'll just check... yes, I can see that you have an internet account with us." Customer: "So... am I paying for that?"

If not, you won't have that account for long.

Anyone's fault but mine ----------------------- Customer: "Listen, I've received a huge bill this month for overseas calls, and the lady I spoke with in customer service said they were coming from my computer. What's the story?" Operator: "Sounds like there's been an automatic dialer installed there. Normally those are downloaded when you click a link on an adult entertainment site --" Customer: "If you're saying I've been looking at porn, you're dead wrong." Operator: "That's the explanation I'm familiar with, but it's possible there's another." Customer: "What is it, then?" Operator: "I couldn't say." Customer: "Never mind that, I didn't make these calls. Are you going to refund my money?" Operator: "If the calls were made by your computer, we --" Customer: "I told you, I haven't been to any porn sites!" Operator: "Mr [Customer], are you saying that if we go through your history of page requests during the investigation we would make before giving a refund, we won't find any adult sites?" Customer: "..." Operator: "Mr [Customer]...?" Customer: "It's a free country! I should be able to do what I like!"

Never were truer words spoken the first four from that last sentence.

We'll be in touch ----------------- Customer: "You can't cut off our service with no warning!" Operator: "We've emailed several warnings --" Customer: "I don't check my email, so I wouldn't have received them, would I? You have to post stuff to me!" Operator: "Isn't that a little bit like telling the phone company not to call you because you don't answer the phone?" Customer: "Well, I don't think so."

Juggling accounts ----------------- Customer: "I have some accounts with you and some accounts with [rival ISP]. I wanted to close down my services with them, so I sent them a letter, but it went to you and now you've shut down all my accounts."

Hypothetically speaking ----------------------- Customer: "Hypothetically speaking, what would happen if I threw this damn router out of my office window?" Operator: "Hypothetically? We'd bill you for it." Customer: "And if I refused to pay?" Operator: "We'd hypothetically send the debt to a collection agency." Customer: "And if I still didn't pay?" Operator: "They'd present a court order at the local police station, drill the lock on your front door, and seize your appliances and furniture in lieu of payment. Hypothetically." Customer: "Ah. Good thing I wouldn't do that to equipment I don't own, right?" Operator: "Right."

Hypothetical debts are the best kind to have.

Caught short ------------ Customer: "My accountant told me that you've cut off my service for spamming, and I'm not very happy about that, because I don't spam." Operator: (after checking) "I don't think that's the reason -- our records show your services have been temporarily suspended because your account is three months in arrears." Customer: "But... the accountant takes care of that!" Operator: "Looks like he hasn't been taking care of it lately." Customer: "Then what's he doing with the money?" Operator: "It might be a good idea to ask him that."

Hidden motive ------------- Customer: "My password keeps getting rejected." Operator: "Yes, I can see that account has been suspended for a credit issue." Customer: "But whyyyyyyy?" Operator: "Well, if account fees aren't paid --" Customer: "I mean, why wasn't the fee paid?" Operator: "Why wasn't it--? Um. I'm not sure I can help you there."

Gimme the cash -------------- Customer: "I can't get into my account. It doesn't accept my password." Operator: "I can see the reason for the problem -- the account has been suspended." Customer: "Why?" Operator: "We sent you an email asking you to select a pricing plan to go onto when your free trial period finished, but we never received a reply to that, so when the trial period ended the account was automatically suspended." Customer: "Well, I didn't want a pricing plan. I wanted it to stay free."

A service doesn't become free just because you decide not to pay for it.

Maybe that's how it works on your home planet.

2 + 2 =? -------- Customer: "I'm using [rival telco] for my phone, and you people are handling my toll calls. Those are both on the same line." Operator: "Mmm-hmm." Customer: "This morning someone tried to send me a fax, and it didn't get through. That means I don't have to pay either of you, right?"

Gimme the cash -------------- Customer: "I just made a call, but it was the wrong number. You'll refund me for that, right?"

2 + 2 = ? --------- Customer: "I've just seen my invoice, and it's wrong. The charges cancel out my refund." Operator: "That's right. When you closed your account, we refunded the charges." Customer: "But the charges cancel out the refund." Operator: "Yes, that's the way it's meant to work. When you closed the account, we refunded the exact same amount that we charged you." Customer: "But the charges CANCEL OUT the refund!" Operator: "Miss [Customer], do you understand the way a refund works? You paid the money to us, then changed your mind about having an account, so we paid the money back. The exact same amount. No more and no less." Customer: "I understand all that, but I'm supposed to get a refund! The charges cancel out the refund!" Operator: "...maybe you should discuss this with your accountant."

ISPs don't haggle ----------------- Customer: "I'm not happy, and I want to claim your satisfaction guarantee." Operator: "You understand that means closing the account?" Customer: "Yes." Operator: "Okay... done. And I've refunded your charges." Customer: "Good. Now: re-open my account." Operator: "You understand there's a registration fee involved in opening an account?" Customer: "What? How much?" Operator: "Five dollars more than the amount we refund under our satisfaction guarantee."

There's a minority of customers who seem to have trouble processing the concept that we don't pay them to use our service.

That's a difficult one, isn't it...?

Cause and effect ---------------- Customer: "Sometimes I've got a dial tone and sometimes I haven't. Why do you people cut off my dial tone when I don't pay my bill?"

Responsible parties ------------------- Operator: "[RIP] faults centre, [operator] spe --" Customer: "My trees are getting too big!" Operator: "...sorry?" Customer: "My trees are getting too big!" Operator: "Uh, this is the [RIP] helpdesk..." Customer: "I know that! My trees are getting too big and they've just about reached your cables! When are you coming out to trim them?"

Gimme the cash -------------- Customer: "I've used up my free hours." Operator: "Okay, and how can I help you?" Customer: "Well, I'm calling so you can give me some more free hours."

Only the first hit's free.

Gimme the cash -------------- Customer: "This registration code you gave me for free hours isn't working." Operator: "Let me just check that... looks like it's already been used." Customer: "That's right. I registered an account for my daughter with it." Operator: "Those codes only work once. They can only be used to create a single account." Customer: "Why?" Operator: "Well, if codes were reusable, we'd have people closing and creating new accounts every month so they could continue using the service without paying." Customer: "What's wrong with that?"

back to main