Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Fun things to do at work
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  1. Answer all calls with "You have reached the lair of Zog Torgoth, Dark Lord of Evil. Can I have your customer number, please?"

  2. Repeat back everything the customer says, in a lousy foreign accent, and insist that they have a really bad echo on the line.

  3. Pretend to choke and die before giving the customer that final piece of information that will fix their problem forever.

  4. Reveal that you're secretly working for the competition. Offer to sell corporate secrets. Give the customer an embarrassing codename. Refer to them regularly using this. Whisper. At the end of the call, pretend to be discovered by the gestapo, and be dragged off for interrogation.

  5. Pretend that you called them, and ask to speak to "Gavin". If they sound confused, tell them you'll call back later, and then hang up.

  6. Bring your cat to work. Let it cover your shift for you. Take a long lunch break.

  7. Use jargon for everything. For example. "Green Plastic Power Button" should become "Chartreuse polymer based electron transfer initialisation circuit depress unit". If the customer appears confused, advise them that they are expected to have at least a working knowledge of their computer systems.

  8. After the customer explains the problem they are having, refuse to assist on the grounds that this is a matter of national security, and any assistance you provide would be detrimental to this country's current UN negotiations about the buildup of military forces in Kaplatchistan. Giggle.

  9. Have a violent argument with yourself. Make no attempt to disguise your voice. Call yourself names. Get as offensive as you like.

  10. Chant "He is coming... he is coming..." until they freak out and hang up.

  11. Try to sell them a time share.

  12. Tape two receivers together and let the customers argue with each other for a while.

  13. If their computer isn't connecting properly, offer them yours. But first, in order to prove their worthiness, they must pass a series of tests, each more fiendish and deadly than the last...

  14. Refuse to acknowledge they're even registered until they do the 'Knights who say nee' scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail with you. Offer them the part of the head knight to persuade them.

  15. Since the program takes a while to install, entertain them with your impressions of farmyard animals.

  16. Take calls. That's what you're here for, isn't it?

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