Evil Genius helpdesk humour
"We care a lot"

Of course, a helpdesk isn't just a call centre. There's also a team of hard-working people stashed quietly out of the way dealing with requests for assistance that come in by email.

One of the frustrations of working the email desk is that it's just so convenient to send. Callers don't have to wait in a queue, don't have to listen to the recorded messages telling them which buttons to press for different departments, and don't have to talk to an actual real human being who can hang up on them if they get abusive.

Consequently, people send email without stopping to think for a second. Read on...

Updated 7 April
Keep in mind that these messages are sent without quoted text or any kind of background to give us an idea of what the customer is thinking about:

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

this doesnt' not help .


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

dont send me stupid emails

i dont want to read something

just fix my problem


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

i will be using images. do i have enough space?


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I came your country to study english and i always study hard to learn the know. Even when my parents come i do not talk to them except english they do not understand but i say who do you try to make me speak when i have exam! I call you to talk problem with internet your one say put me to talk person there my language. Why do you not my english when i study hard for this?

(Just to clarify, I don't think this customer deserves mocking for bad english, I think he deserves mocking for getting offended when someone offered to transfer him to a tech who's fluent in his native language.)


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

i am a customer


FROM: Helpdesk TO: Accounts
SUBJECT: Customer charges

> The customer in case N104829 says he is going to start charging us a
> non-compliance fee of $200 for each day the update server for an
> accounting program he is running is too busy for him to connect. I
> would like you to takeover the case because I do not know what to
> do.
>
> Tina C
>

You tell him NO.

Chris


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

In the last three months, my firewall program has recorded the following 192,000 port-scanning attempts on my computer! Please investigate and prosecute these.

I will expect a progress report from you soon.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

my assistant tried to send me a virus. i could not receive this virus because you are filtering email for viruses. i did not ask you to filter my email and you are interfering with my business i am a security profesional! you cannot interfere with peoples email this way. stop filtering my email or i will take you to COURT.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

i cannot make phone calls because i am deaf. please call my aunt on ##-###-### and tell her i will be arriving 2:30 thursday


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

>> CANT SE D EML 2 MI FND PLS TEL W/RNG HR AD S JULES2RIP THX
>>
>
> I'm sorry, we weren't able to understand your request. Please reply
> to give us details of the problem you have encountered, and once we
> understand the situation, I'm sure we'll be able to help you.
>

R U GUYS DIX R WOT M NOT RITN AGAN GT SUM1 HU CN RD 2 HLP U


No disrespect to the customer meant, but... someone needs to tell her it doesn't work that way.

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I FEEL THAT YOU HAVE RAPED ME WITH YOUR SERVICE


Believe it or not, I pulled this message at random from a stack of similar pleas for assistance, all from different senders:

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

CANT SEND EMAIL PLEASE HELP


This sender certainly knew what he wanted. Pity he forgot to tell US.

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

This is completely unacceptable. FIX IT IMMEDIATELY.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

My computer no longer beeps to alert me I have mail waiting. I am paying far too much for my account already and if you do not restore this service at once, I will close my account and go over to [RIP's biggest competitor].


I'm not sure if this customer entered the wrong address, completely misunderstood what a helpdesk does, or if she was just hoping we'd go way beyond the call of duty and good sense on her behalf:

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Please have a van sent to [address] at 10 AM on Friday. My husband is disabled and needs assistance to move about.


We're not quite as all-seeing and all-knowing as our reputation gives us credit for...

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I am interested in tickets to the world series. Please tell me how much they cost and where I can buy them from.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

>Changes to our network in your area have made it necessary
>for you to change your dial-up number.
>You are currently dialing 1234-567-890
>
>Please change your number to 0987-654-321, or contact
>our helpdesk for assistance to do this.

why do you make everthing so hard ? just give me the number i need and i will chang it myself!!!!!!!!


It's sometimes touching to see the faith people have in the helpdesk's ability to solve their every problem.

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

please can you right happy brithday to [friend's name] from [customer] on the tv? please please please hlep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The weird thing is, the people this guy was writing to are well-known for NOT being a power company.

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Dear [RIP's parent company],
I would like to put up a set of three security lights above the front of my property. Each will be a standard 100 watt bulb with a motion sensor to activate it. I'd appreciate it if you could help by telling me how much this will add to my monthly power bill, since it is already fairly high.

Gratefully,
[Customer]


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I think your show is really cool adn i watch it ever day exept weekends when i sleep in sometimes. my favourite part is the cartoons and i tought they were really funny today. i want to look at your web sight so i hope you get one soon.


I'll swear on a stack of bibles, this was a real message from a customer:

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I don't know much about computers, so sorry if I ask some silly questions. You say I can reach the helpdesk on 1234-567-890. How do I do that? What do the numbers mean?


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Is the modem mean to make weird sounds because it does and when I turn it off I can't connect.

Please help me with this or else I'll go to [RIP's biggest rival] because they will.

Your friend,
[customer]

PS you should be able to find my details because I called last week


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I am running Windows 95 on my computer. I have heard about Back Orifice. Should I download this virus? Please reply.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Please take Netscape off my computer. I can't load my programs and it's really annoying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Giving us some more information would be a good start!

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I called the help desk because I had a problem and they said I should email you. What should I do now?


FROM: Helpdesk TO: Customer
SUBJECT: Help

>Yesterday I ordered a pizza from [site address] using my credit card.
>It is now more than 24 hours later. The pizza never arrived and I am
>VERY ANGRY. What happened?

Thank you for contacting the [RIP] helpdesk.

Since we have no connection with [big pizza franchise], the details of this transaction are beyond our ability to look into. You may like to try contacting the webmaster of the site where you provided your credit card details. However, since the internet address you provided is based on another continent, there is every chance the pizza was cooked and sent and it is only the delivery which is taking longer than anticipated.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

i need a splel chekcr.can yo tel me if tere is a way of get nig a spll chekcr for teh e males i rite ?


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I tried to print out my account from the online system and the paper jammed. Since I am paying [RIP] good money for my account, I expect to be able to print out the information first time without any headache!


It still absolutely floors me to think how many mothers believe that a) *their* teenage son isn't interested in porn and b) it really is the ISP that send out offers like this one...

FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

>*** FREE LIVE SEX ***
>

Stop sending me this rubbish or I'll go to the newspapers!


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

>This week's favourite links are:
>
STOP sending this shit...... my email is PRIVATE..... don't send me your marketing bullsh*t.....

And later on:

>As per your request, you will no longer receive our weekly
>newsletter.
>
What the hell do you mean I will no longer receive your weekly newsletter?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Followed by:

>You said:
>"my email is PRIVATE..... don't send me your marketing"
>so we followed your request and removed you from our mailing list.
>
Don't get your knickers in a knot....... you're meant to send me useful information...... not be a smart*ss........ but this is typical of you, isn't it!!!!!!


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

PLEASE take your email off my screen I CAN'T GET RID OF IT

FOR GOODNESS SAKE GO AWAY

>This week's favourite links are:
>


FROM: Customer TO: Personal webpage support
SUBJECT: Help

I'm an 18 years old male who needs a girlfriend.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Dear [cereal company],
My family have been eating your product for years, and I have to write to tell you how disappointed I am with our latest purchase...

[lots more SNIPPED]


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

please tell me what mistakes I am making.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

please call need help


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Is this to me or from me?


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I was using the 'net three or four days ago and a message displayed itself on the screen that the whole internet set up I'm using is below standard and not working at the best speed. It said that if I paid $30, I could get an update for my program that would speed things up by about 7 times. There was even a demo on the screen of a video file loading faster, but my program couldn't play it.

I paid the money, but I haven't heard back from them since. I can't remember who they were or where I found them now, do you know anything about this?


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

I heard a rumour that the public is being spied on while we are on the internet. Is this true or just a rumour? Someone must know something. Is it because of all the foren diplomats that have been here? This is a huge waste of my tax money that could go to feeding and clothing the hungry. Not to mention that this is illegal!! Am I being paranoid? But I'm not the only one that thinks so (that we are being spied on) I know you'll probably say it's not true so don't bother to bullshit me as I will not reply.

IS THIS TRUE OR NOT?? We have the right to know.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

Dear [RIP],

I feel you should be made aware that it is outrageously sexist to use a photo montage to illustrate a news story about a woman. By cutting up pictures of her, you are symbolically reducing her to the status of meat to be cut up.

Now that you are aware of this, I'm sure you will immediately take the necessary steps to fix the problem and make an apology on the front page of your website.


FROM: Customer TO: Helpdesk
SUBJECT: Help

To the helpdesk:

I notice that your homepage uses the pitifully outdated 'Anno Domini' system of marking the date. This stands for 'the year of our lord' and is related to old superstitions like christianity which have no place in the 21st century. Intelligent people prefer to use 'CE' which stands for the 'common era'.

But perhaps you're victims of religion yourselves, in which case I feel very sorry for you.


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